Amidst COVID lockdowns and social distancing, I thought there would be lots of time to read, write and do some thinking. On the contrary, I had lesser time than before. I realized very quickly that with a Working-from-home husband and a toddler bubbling with energy I had to pull up my socks and get creative. May I just say these times are the hardest on Mum’s. A minute’s silence; in respect for all the mothers who put on a patient face and work through these days with grace. However, this post is dedicated to the Dada of my home, Kevin; for choosing to work from home along side my tsunami of emotions. Thank you.

It’s safe to say that I’ve lost my mind a good number of times, also being pregnant, sleep is the fuel I run on and I’m always short. This has brought suspicious behaviors out of me.

During my previous pregnancy (specifically the first trimester), I noticed being unhappy, overly anxious and anti-social. It wouldn’t qualify for perinatal PTSD but I wouldn’t completely discard these feelings either. I kept a journal just to keep afloat, these feelings slowly faded and I was the happiest Momie on the block until Josef turned 5 months.

It was the hardest time of my life (high school included). For 2 months I struggled, with one weekend being the most dramatic, where I questioned my very existence and what life would be without me in it. I was oblivious to how dangerous my thoughts and behavior could have been. Never did I think, I would ever feel this way. I always believed in being content and to be happy no matter what life threw at me. My life was a full circle, every dot connected and outlined, making it understandable to me. Overnight, something changed and now it was blurry.

My brain was going into a rabbit hole and a dark one. I had my best friend for a husband and it took me so long to share with him, how I felt. This is when I realized I’m having a case of Postnatal PTSD. Thankfully, with support, help and a better diet, I was feeling better in no time. Also my mother hadn’t raised a quitter. However, I do believe I dodged a bullet and a messy motherhood just in time.

Postnatal Depression. Why don’t we talk more about it? Or more openly? That it’s sneaky and can happen to the happiest, most prepared new mothers. It’s a phase, which can be temporary and guilt-free if acknowledged sooner.

Although, I’m now aware and with my second baby on the way, I am more prepared to spot funny feelings, I’m not discounting the fact that I could overlook them due to exhaustion and COVID isolation. So I’ve been preparing, reading and asking for tips. One of my favorites is an idea from a friend, writing a letter to the future me. I’ve gone one step ahead and planned a few to target different emotions.

Round is a shape that I’m embracing, as I get rounder by the day. I began my pregnancy right with the start of COVID infection and I had all these cravings, obviously none of them were fulfilled. Though it didn’t turn to food aversions, I just didn’t feel one with food anymore. However, I’m 7 months in, eating better and enjoying it. That’s the secret to my roundness, happiness just followed.

For a long time we have been in panic. Some coping better than others. Me, I’ve been an excessive planner all along but looking at the state of our world, I’ve dropped it. My slate is wiped clean. It’s not that I’m a pessimist. I’m just a horrible sport of plans not going as intended.

Despite the fact, most of the world is still struggling, I feel optimistic that we’d come out of this, stronger. Provided we stay focused and not bad mouth, blame and most annoying of all; be political. Wherever we are, it’s time to just do as told ! Let’s not pretend we are experts on running a country in a pandemic.

Amidst all the chaos, we were preparing to travel. Optimistic or foolish, I don’t know! Even until 6 hour before the flight, I had second thoughts, to travel or not to travel. However, it’s been a month after the travel and I feel better about our decision.

Let me tell you, what it was like traveling in the middle of a pandemic.

We traveled from Stuttgart to Bangalore via Paris. And let me just put it out there: Air France is not baby friendly. If you are an Air France fan, this is specifically to the flight from Paris to Bangalore and I’m not generalizing (some sectors probably have a better fleet).

Firstly, the crew don’t care to please their little traveler. Is it a French cultural thing or just an impolite crew? I’ll have to ask my French friends (once I have some). Our flight had a good number of turbulent times. The seat belt signs are important and we all follow it. But if you have a child or traveled with one, convincing them, can take a minute but I’d have a crew member hustle us with rude stare downs. That’s not my style nor the way I parent my child so it’s natural I was furious.

Secondly, the lavatory. A diaper change means you choose, your child’s head or rear in the sink, without exaggeration. I can’t even begin to describe how I did a standing diaper change and making sure he doesn’t touch ANYTHING. I was so paranoid, I took 5 minutes prior to the diaper change, to disinfect the entire space including the roof. You’re welcome fellow passengers, your lavatory was scrubbed clean thrice.

The last nail in the coffin, was a full paying passenger, Josef got no meals and snacks. Yup, they conveniently forgot all his meals and didn’t seem apologetic about this at all. I got one serving of 4 month olds puréed carrots and apple, 3 types of yogurts and flavored milk. I was also surprised that the crew had only half & half/ coffee creamer or skimmed milk on board and I realized a little too late. My poor baby had the worst journey.

Well, that’s all the yammering I’m going to do because there’s more fun things in life to talk about than one “blah” flight.

I’m using this lockdown time to learn, how WordPress works because My Ugly Journal is going to need a new tab. A new tab for Noodle Quarantina Goveas! That’s what we are calling him/her, I really hope it’s a girl but another boy is also good fun. We spent 5 months deliriously happy with this little secret, now I feel like sharing. Let’s be delirious together.

It’s been such a beautiful couple of months. I needed a month to bounce back from how much fun I’ve had. A week was probably enough but then I got lazy.

In December my parents visited us and I took the chance to go on a trip without Josef. We went to a little paradise called Madeira. A tiny Portuguese island, it’s as if olden times Mangalore was in Europe. With no coast near us in Germany, we truly enjoyed the fish and the sea. It was luxury to us.

Luxury is also having my parents visit. The combination of my playful father and a soft yet firm mother, it’s hard for Josef to bully them around. Yes ! A toddler is a lot like a bully. Atleast this toddler is, he will push a few of your buttons subtly. He will even analyze your behavior. And then he’s got you wrapped around his pinky. But have the most adorable facade while he’s at it. I think these are just survival skills for a toddler.

Since the day my parents arrived I had been dreading the day they leave. And when the day came, Josef was indifferent. He thought they’re just out on a tour and will be back in a day or 2. It’s after a week that it struck him, they’re not coming back. It’s then that he was an emotional wreck.

We had 5 days of patience and the 6th day he would cling to me, I’d cook with him sitting on my toes and he’d sob outside the bathroom door, let’s just say I got no privacy that day. Day 7, I needed him to fight the emotional pain. He would cry painfully at the smallest things and we would hug as I firstly assured him, that Mumma isn’t going anywhere. Then we just sat speaking about his grandparents who had to go back home. And that they went home in an airplane. We’d sit watching airplanes and wave at them. This we repeated all day and the next day it was fewer outbreaks.

Deep down, I felt the same pain of missing my parents, I was fighting the pain too and it was easy for me to make him feel that. And repeatedly telling him that, it’s ok to feel pain and cry. Somehow, turning his attention to reality or little fun facts of the airplane helped him cope. And helped me cope. And just like that we are attuned again.