A hot bun out of the oven

Oh my god ! Birthing is an experience, exquisite yet dramatic. That is a fact. No secret there. Mine, was theatrical ! I could’ve taken a bow after the whole ordeal. And if you’ve ever been in an event that qualifies as a PTSD trigger, you’d know; time slows right down. Muffled voices, slow motion gestures and rhythmic beeps in the background like a weird rock band falling asleep.

My first time was a good old fashion SVD or spontaneous vaginal delivery, what we call a Normal delivery at 38 weeks. It was every girls dream birthing. At least it was mine. No complications, no mess, easy peasy lemon queasy. The second one was full of surprises/drama, quiet literally. We had a healthy baby due around the first week of September but we didn’t know if it was a girl or a boy (I was dying to know) and COVID made it interesting enough. My contractions began on 24th of August a week before my due date. On and off, I’d just freeze and wait for the discomfort to pass. Prodromal Labor, is what feels more like a preparation for Labor. I personally hate the term “False labor”.

After a week of my belly dance, I called it a wrap, almost half hearted because I knew I’d not see my little Josef for at least 3 days (COVID restrictions for kids) I got a cab to the hospital once Josef was in bed. After an exhausting night at the hospital of walking in circles and humming at every contraction. I feel asleep, like I was knocked in the head for all of fifteen minutes. Woke up like I never had a single contraction not even a squeeze. I had to head home, birthing rooms are extremely busy and I was holding one up for no good reason.

I was an emotional wreck! I couldn’t shake it of, overwhelming disappointment, loss of confidence, mostly sad. I came home, hugged my little boy and buried myself under my blanket. I refused to come out. I struggled to eat or drink. I felt like I had failed. It was a weird day. I was still very pregnant but embarrassed that I couldn’t give birth. My confidence was shattered.

On the 3rd of September I had my last routine appointment at the gynaecologist, who with one look said you need to get to the hospital. I convinced him it’s just an off rhythm contraction which will fizzle out. He was so worried for my casual “cool-as-a-cucumber” attitude, he was packing up to drop me to the hospital himself. I insisted on heading home and making dinner for my Josef. After dinner I agreed to get a ride to the hospital.

It is now 9:30pm on the 3rd of September. My midwife was so sweet she did all the paperwork my husband would’ve done. Oh and did I mention my poor husband couldn’t be at the hospital? It’s a 2020 problem too late and too risky to get a babysitter to watch Josef. I was induced labour a little after 10:30pm and my midwife had a fun story to tell me while we waited out my contraction. Who knows what the story was or how fun it was? At 11:45pm my baby was born. It all happened so quickly I didn’t even have time to wrap my head around the pain, I even cracked a molar in the bargain.

To initiate the birth registration I had to finalise on the name and when asked if it would be Niklaus or Danielle. I said, “ It depends, do I have a daughter or another son?”

Hello sunshine, Danielle.

5 things I’ll miss about pregnancy

It’s a “No comments” kinda day, every day.

I’ve been pregnant twice and I’ve been blest, both have been fairly good, with some days easier than the others. Even on bad days, random acts by strangers comforted me. Pulling out a trolley for me at the supermarket or letting me go before them at the cashier, offering me a seat at a crowded park or public transportation. There are so many little pleasures of pregnancy but I could try and fit the things I would miss the most in 5 points.

1. Special privileges : Pregnancy calls for some special treatment sometimes; for instance while on an airplane some extra attention from the crew, boarding first on public transport and other times some additional assistance like nice people offering to carry groceries to the car simple gestures that just make my day. And these special benefits didn’t just stop there, at home I would have the most relaxing foot massages even Josef’s tiny fingers were at work. An additional oil massage and a soak just put me on cloud nine.

2. An extended wardrobe: I had some maternity clothes saved from the first time and I also picked up cute dresses from Mama licious and Bellybutton. However I’m not going to spend on home-wear. Especially after the 6th month, every passing week I seem to grow a size. So this is where I plunge into my husband’s closet. I have probably worn his boxers more than he has and all his marvel T-shirts or the summer linen shirts, I love them all. I’m seen in his closet so much, I find it weird when I see him in one of his T-shirt. In my head I say, “I think I pulled that look better”.

3. Fun pregnancy merchandise: I am fascinated by the products that are offered to pregnant women, from clothing to pillows to safety products. The car seat belt is my absolute favorite. I completely recommend, I’ve never been so comfortable driving. I love some of these pregnancy products so much I use them up until a year after the baby is out. Pregnancy trousers in this case are so comfortable in winter, it’s like an all day belly hugger.

4. Guilt free diet: Cravings are definitely a real deal and it feels like being possessed by a food demon. I abhor onions in my salad or wrap and anyone with an onion breath simply disgusts me. But since month 7, I don’t know who I am. I’ve been eating so much onion I’m embarrassed to yawn. Although, I never craved for greasy junk food nor sweet treats (thank goodness, gestational diabetes scare the living daylights out of me). Nevertheless I believe I might have consumed 1/4* of the world’s berry and fruit produce in the last 4 months. *no research to back me, just a gut feeling.

A less guilty craving: I had these nostalgic experiences I wanted again like the Royal Dansk danish cookies and Quality Street fudge toffees, childhood memories that I craved.

5. Belly out: This baby belly is now the size of a pumpkin. Although my back and feet have just about had it with me waddling around life, I really like having this extra body-space. The past few days, I can balance a cup of tea on my belly (provided the little tenant doesn’t throw a punch). It holds my plate for meals when I’m on the couch because a dining table is just too hard to reach from the chair. It’s a sight to watch, my plate moves and food rolls from one end to the other when the baby moves. These kicks, elbows and punches are extremely uncomfortable but I’m going to miss the entertainment and guessing if it’s a foot, fingers or an elbow that I just saw.

Pregnancy is such a beautiful phase of life, granted I began with dragging my heels to blood tests and having my face in the toilet every morning, towards the last weeks I learnt to love the pregnancy with all the aches and cramps it comes with. It has taught me to live life at my own pace, to be patient, and to ask for help when I need it. It’s also great, feeling beautiful without any cosmetics. Every morning I wake up to skin glowing and shiny luscious hair, feels like I walked out of a spa.

Getting my duckling(s) in a row

I’m now 9 months in and I cannot wait to hold my littler kitten and snuggle all day. Moreover, I would love to sleep on my face again or be able to hug people like a normal person and not go in from the East or the West, Jump on a trampoline or run faster than my toddler all these fun things are what I have missed in the past few months.

Stay tuned for some exciting news in the coming week(s).

2 years and 2 months later.

I’m 34 weeks pregnant, that’s about 8 months. Since a week, I have been making room for Noodle, quiet literally. Clearing out a closet, bought a changing station, going through Josef’s baby clothes, sorting and washing them. I couldn’t believe how tiny these clothes are.

From discomfort to tranquility, my heart was his.

Josef was born 52 cm/s and now almost 115 cm/s. We’ve grown so much over the past 2 years, him and I as a team and individually. I spoke about my depression in the previous post and here I’ll try to focus on the triggers and the thought process.

Being pregnant is more like having a 3rd arm, 3 months of whining about this new arm, the next 3 month this arm showed more benefits, lesser need to crib and the next 3 months go by like that arm has always been a part of me. Suddenly the arm pops out and all hell breaks loose.

I found that bonding with the new born Josef was no problem for me. I say this because I’ve read some women initially are indifferent due to the expectations of having a cute baby but let’s be honest, we look like aliens the first 48 hours.

This bonding was so strong, in hindsight I looked stupid possessive. I, at one point accused Kevin of making me feel like I’m just a baby machine. Why? Because, he took Josef to sun bathe while I dosed off on the hospital bed. It was a day after the birth and he did it, so I could sleep undisturbed.

Sleepless + frazzled + thrilled

The first 3 months were so difficult, not because of the obvious lack of sleep or fatigue but because of this desire to have my eyes glued on Josef; every waking moment. Everyone in the world looked like a threat. I was at war with myself because I wanted to do it all when I had 3 people to help me heal. I was threatened by the silliest and worried my baby would bond with my mother and I’d be replaced. Not to forget, I’m trying to constantly analyze and differentiate cries, coos and expressions of this little being. All while stressing if the baby is fed enough (Thank god for Pumps and formula) and pooping enough. These were all very serious issues at that point, that now seem childish.

The next few months were harder because my parents went back to India and kevin went back to work. I had my hands full with cooking, baby duty and missing my parents. This is when it was dangerous because it was getting colder, we stayed indoors more, spent my days loving and talking only to a baby. This gave room for a lot of idle-mind situation. And when we had visitors, I would irk and be provoked by anyone trying to find resemblances of Josef with our families or stories of other pregnancies. Although harmless, comparison just bothered me in general.

Comparison is with 2 motives for the speaker, making the listener feel accepted/ acknowledged. That which echoes -“ I totally feel you”. Another motive routes out of excitement, giving an opinion, a sense of value. “ Josef is just like (Insert favorite person), would bring the roof down when hungry.”

Comparison is accompanied with 2 effects to the listener, making their experiences/ event mediocre. That which resonates- “ You were alright, but wait till you hear this…” Another effect is one that springs out of possession, trying to underplay what’s yours, “Josef is just like (any normal infant), would bring the roof down when hungry”.

Happy and sad coexisting, inside a person.

We all heal in different ways, paces and approach situations with different perception, this is a known fact. Be that as it may, I find that society reacts the same, irrespective of how the healing process is going through. Hence, I decided to make friends with other new mums, Birds of a feather flock together. Or so I thought was a good option, until there was a need for a moderator. I wish we were birds but we were more like one blind leading the other. We were all struggling, juggling between a job, responsibilities at home, in-laws, a beautiful baby and a bruised mind. Also in guest appearances every 2 to 3 months, Sleep regression, complicates everything you thought you had in balance.

Balance was the important element missing in life. There were times I was extremely happy and extremely sad other times. I was constantly doubting myself and my capabilities, while I was so proud of having brought a life into the world given my fears of blood and needles.

Balance, It’s as simple as it’s complicated.

Simple thoughts, unambitious plans and selective hearing were my late grandfather’s biggest weapons and he was someone I saw, having such a good balance. Genetically this was a tailor made tool at my disposal and I would be a fool to ignore it, he also enjoyed the potassium rich Bananas and I had found my new favorite fruit, my happiness fruit.