Isn’t it interesting, we’ve more than enough food on our plates, refrigerators and our pantry, water flows like there’s a river named after each of us and more than a layer of roof sheltering us. Yet we’ve evolved to a new set of problems. We can’t find a pair of jeans that fits right. The ramen we had for lunch didn’t quite hit the spot. Or the book we picked up didn’t turn out to be as exciting.

I dared to admit to myself and voice it out loud that, it’s ok. And that is because I’m aware, I am not alone in this. A few months ago, if I’d sleep a couple hours into the day I would feel a mixture of emotions, for one I’d feel like a wasted weekend and then there’s guilt of not having spent that time with my kids. And there’s different flavors of such conundrums spread throughout the week.

The glue

Two months ago my best friend celebrated her 1st wedding anniversary and when I wished her, she said, “It’s been great the first year, Do you have any tips for the next year?” It’s been months and I still haven’t answered that question. That’s how complicated I find it.

What would you say are some tips? I could’ve gone with the usual, love, good communication, understanding, at least one meal together and in an argument, compromise. I could go on and on. But the more I tried to answer the question, it open up more questions.

Lets paint a picture, imagine with me. At the end of a busy day we sit across our love for that meal together, talking about our day, we women find an observation and we talk about it, “communication” and we are passionate about it, suddenly it’s now an argument, in this quest of “understanding” so many topics; old, ancient and ones we Compromised about are now out on the table. And there’s 4 ways this can go.

1. The argument goes on, gets ugly, we agree to disagree; an indefinite Cold War.
2. The man folds in and selective listening takes place on his part; A Wise man- no promises, this might repeat.
3. There is some compromise, middle ground is found; That is a Goodnight.
4. The woman agrees she overreacted, a fight postponed; a ticking bomb in other words.

Irrespective of how the night plays, the truth is we fight only with the ones we Love. It’s not like you’ll pick a fight with the fruit vendor for keeping his toilet seat up. Love and passion are what instigate all or most of our arguments and funnily society would have you believe the solution to an argument is in Love and a passionate one. It’s like when someone says , “Sleep like a baby” as a mom of 2 babies. I say, I rather not.

What is the trick to my grandparents being married for 50 years or my parents over 30? I wouldn’t want to open the Pandora’s box but from just 5 years married, more importantly the 2 months of soul searching I figured it out. The misunderstood qualities, that make a world of a difference are Sympathy and Empathy.

Sympathy comes off as pity but it’s really the first step. It’s being human, the husband/wife is juggling with projects and due dates at work and the other feels the amount of stress the love is going through. That is sympathy.

Empathy on the other hand is step 2; what are you going to do with that information? Just end it with a pep talk or do more. Empathy would be to maybe say, I understand you are so stressed, how can I help? And maybe suggest to temporarily pull some home chores off his/her hands. Literally, jumping in knowing it’ll make your life significantly harder for a bit.

Without these 2, I don’t think in today’s world a couple could find peace. Love, physical attraction and all the communication or compromise are only temporary if one can’t find the empathy, it’s the glue. It could instantly enrich any relationship for that matter.

And that, was my pinch of wisdom, as you do some empathizing, I’m going to respond to my best friend.

If you are exhausted, you rest; sleep. As simple as that, Right? With a baby not so straightforward. I’ve come to a conclusion that some babies are just born good sleepers, others need to learn the art of falling asleep and staying asleep.

If small talk for normal people is , “How’s the weather?” For a new mom people go to, “ How’s your baby sleeping? Does she sleep through the night?”. And these could be debatably the most annoying questions in history!

No, and no. No, is the answer to any and all questions related to a baby’s sleep. It’s such a touchy subject, it’s something that can spook a new mum! It’s best to keep the subject far far away from her. Instead ask how the new mum is sleeping? Try to throw some light on her struggles.

Some babies just love to sleep and will be out cold for 3 or 4 hours for a nap and the whole night; a full 10 hours ! That sounds like vacation to me. That’s how Josef was (to some extent). But Dani is a whole different story.

There were cousins and friends who would be shocked at how well behaved Josef was at bedtime and how independently he slept. And I had no clue of what a blessing that was, until Dani. The truth is, she genuinely struggles to get comfortable and stay asleep. She fights naps and an hour before bedtime she will get extremely clingy. She’s like my accessory, I wear her and she goes everywhere I go.

She will cry and tremble for dramatic effect, enough to stress the whole house and the neighbors too. There’s so many things I’ve tried, read books and blogs; left no trick behind in trying to help Dani-bear sleep better.

To save us the time, here’s what worked for us. At 9 months old Dani started with sleep training, reduced the naps and tried to concentrate it to one nap so there is less fighting, the goal was to keep her busy with fun activities till the designated nap time.

Typically, she’d wake up at 8AM, I notice signs of fatigue and mood swings creep in around 11:30AM and Noon is when she is volunteering to go down for a nap, which last about 2 hours. That’s progress. Then there is lots and lots of play time until 8 PM. All willingly happening, no crying, no fighting.

How did I get here?

It’s been months of anxiety, fights with a baby and wailing. Then I pushed myself to doing something that I dreaded. Cry it out baby ! 3 attempts at different times I failed but at 11 months it was impossible for me to sit still after sundown. The anxiety alone drove me nuts. So it was now or never. As heartless as it may sound. I mustered up every little bit of my will power to let her cry it out.

First night, it was 20 minutes of sobbing and the next afternoon, 20 more minutes. So I realized 20 minutes was her threshold after which she is exhausted tired. The baby monitor help ensure safety but I watched it on mute because my heart sank just the thought of her crying. 6 nights in and for the first time she slept through the night. She woke up happy and full of energy.

I researched so much on this method since my baby was 4 months but just didn’t have the heart to go through with it and selfish as it may sound, this was a nudge to help her sleep better and remove her dependency on an adult but I was too weak to hear her wailing 4 months ago.

The reward for my toughening up has been a calmer, rested and happy baby; resulting in a happy Momie.

Almost one in a month

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It feels like only 2 weeks ago she was in my belly! Time flies when you have too much fun or too busy to realize the time of day. Dani has been a bit of both.

In just another month she will be a year old and it’s painful to see how quickly she’s grown into such a beautiful little girl. This girl is all love, cuddles, kisses and admiration for her brother. I can’t even compete to be her favorite.

Since a month she has begun to stand with support. She will also walk from side to side and reach out to anyone who’ll walk with her around the house. This means she’s up even at night practicing her new favorite thing to do.

A huge adjustment this month was her saying bye bye to nursing. Our pediatrician had always said, Breastfeeding is very intimate. It’s between you and her (how long the breastfeeding will go on), the operative word being, AND. Josef was happy to be done at 13 months. Dani choose that she’s a big girl at 10 months. It was extremely hard for me to come to terms with that. I tried every trick in the book to help her get back to feeding. After 2 weeks of trying, one day she poked me like she’s staring at an alien. And that’s when I called it quits!

Happy world breastfeeding week!

A little before Dani turned 10 months, I was offered a Covid Vaccine (covishield) and accepted the first dose. I did have the obvious symptoms of sore body accompanied by chills and sneezing. After 2 days I felt better and things were back to normal. Then there was an extremely late period and spotting between cycles. I had read about such cases of hormonal imbalances after the vaccine. However uncomfortable I wasn’t bothered by it until my baby refused to nurse.

I do not regret vaccination because this is important for me and my family. It is the responsible thing to do. However, I wish I had information about it and the lack of tests conducted on women of my age group. I understood the tests weren’t conducted, despite the fact it was considered safe for pregnant and lactating mothers. There’s also a good difference in how a woman reacts to any vaccine in comparison to men. We generate more antibodies than men resulting in magnified symptoms.

Can I get the COVID-19 vaccine if I am breastfeeding?

Based upon available data, it appears safe to get the COVID-19 vaccine if you are nursing a baby. Although the vaccines have not been studied in nursing mothers, lactating women should be offered the COVID-19 vaccine. The vaccines do not contain live virus, so being vaccinated does not pose a risk to the baby. If you are vaccinated for the coronavirus, there is no need to delay or discontinue breastfeeding. 

(Quoting an article by The Johns Hopkins University)

Click here to read the full article 

Here’s a video by Vice news as they dig into the link between the vaccine and period.

A simple internet research helped me understand some temporary changes that I might notice after my vaccine.

The ones I’ve ticked off the list were things I had some idea of possibility. Change in Milk taste was something I’m familiar with because it is also a problem at the end of every cycle. The first 3 days of my period Dani is extremely unhappy while nursing. It was only natural to have a night or two of the similar reaction from her after a shot. And with changes in milk, comes a fussy and anxious baby. I was aware that changes in my hormones meant my discharge would also be funny.

On the other hand, were things I was caught off guard with. I had a 48 day long cycle. By then I was due for a second shot, I immediately had my period which was painful and uncomfortable, unlike the usual discomfort. This also caused mood swings, especially because Dani would be up at all hours of the night and lack of sleep can do that to anyone. There is also spotting at the middle of every cycle that last a day or 2 (a mini period).

The one that hurt the most, was after the second shot, Dani was done breastfeeding. With the first shot, she fought feeds but after the second she was sure of it. No more breastfeeding. This came as a surprise because she was mostly breastfed and didn’t enjoy her bottle as much. Today, she is fully bottle fed and is too early for cows milk.

Once the breastfeeding stopped, there’s night waking and separation anxiety which I find extremely stressful. We are now cuddle buddies sleeping with my hair in her fist at all time (strangely at night).

I say Go get vaccinated! It’s the right thing to do. Is the situation complicated? Absolutely but if you’re vaxed, you’re relaxed. Be that as it may, understand what you are going into and if you notice changes know that they are temporary, wait for them to ware-off and handle the temporary change with grace and patience. 

Panic only makes it harder for you and you alone.